Rebirth
Statue of David
I had been planning this trip for over a year. Taking my time and being intentional with each piece of research. This quest was a huge undertaking because, for the first time, I would be traveling alone to a foreign country. I wanted to ensure that I would be safe but also be able to take part in experiences that would forever change my life. I could say that my friends and family were happy for me but concerned, to say the least, but, once I put my mind to something, it will come to fruition. Why Italy? Well, quite simply, I’ve always wanted to go, and this was the birthplace of the Renaissance. I was searching for something deeper inside myself. Everyone I know kept saying I can’t wait to see your outfits, and this was not about how I looked on the outside. This trip was about how I felt on the inside. I have talked about traveling the world for years, I imagined it a million times over and spent countless hours dreaming about it. Yes, I’ve been to many tropical locations overseas and countless cruises, but I wanted something different. This year I decided no more dreaming no matter what the circumstances of life are. Life is about what’s present but it’s also about creating the life you want because you only live once. I dug deep, as deep as I could finding the courage to do this alone. Alone but with God of course. In the intricate web and threads of my life, I wanted to start making it all make sense.
Of course, everything is symbolic to me so going during late October and early November was on purpose. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays plus my birthday month is November. I wanted it to feel mystic and cosmic so I had to go during the start of Scorpio season. It felt good too. Perfect weather not too many people, and the colors were stunning. One of the biggest reasons for going alone is simple, I wanted to challenge myself. Curating every footstep forward on my own map. I thrive off conversations and interactions but at some point in our lives, the most important conversation you’ll ever have is with yourself. No guidance, persuasion, or influence from anyone but you.
The first stop on my trip was Rome. I had some big monuments scheduled to see such as The Colosseum, Pantheon, Trevi Fountain, and many more but it’s the days when I got lost that stand out the most to me. Some days I had tours booked back to back and other days, I truly lost myself in the city. With limited to no cell service, wooowwwww. Having limited communication with technology was a gift. Unplugging from the phone and being present with myself as I walked the streets in these ancient places. My camera and my journal were my mortal instruments. One of my favorite tours was the audible tour at the Pantheon. History is so fascinating to me, I love to learn, understand, and explore different cultures. Architecturally I’m always mind-blown at the constructional concepts around the buildings and monuments. There is an opening at the top of the Pantheon and I thought is it open? As I listened to the audible tour my question was answered with yes. The overall experience of that day took my breath away. I went on tours and ran into so many big places on my list to see. The streets were breathtaking, not because of all the cigarette smoke as I couldn’t breathe lol but because of the history I was walking through. With each twist and turn I saw something magical. I geeked out a few times when I couldn’t control my excitement and joy. Chiese di Sant’ Ignazio di Loyola had me in awe and I spent some time in there sitting and taking it all in. The colors on the ceiling are vivid, almost multi-dimensional. I found a place on a secluded pew and sat down to journal and pray. I am not Catholic but my ties to God are not through religion but connection and spirituality. I saw that you could light candles so I went and lit one for all those who I wanted to pray for and to be grateful for that moment in time.
My Airbnb was located in the neighborhood of Travestere. I chose each Airbnb very carefully and ensured not only that I was safe but also in a space that would allow me to bloom. Travesterve is a very unique area in the sense that it felt very artsy, colorful, and bohemian. The host had art everywhere in her home with tons of photographs that she’d taken over the years. At night after a long journaling session, I would get my wine and sit by the window, with music loud enough for me to hear the melody but still hear the energy of the streets outside my window. I would comb through her books, and stare at the collected antiques while letting my mind explore all questions I had set aside for this time. Questions like, who is Ashtin now, how can I be more courageous, how do I not let fear hold me back in life?
I have the spirit of an explorer and want to see as much of the world as possible. This was my first marvel at one of the seven wonders of the world, now, six more to go. Since this was the first area I stayed in, of course, it’s where I had my first taste of Italian pasta. Let me tell you something, it was good. Best damn pasta of my life. At the first restaurant I went to, I was sitting in front of a marketplace where I had a good view of everything. Observing the hustle and bustle of the street vendors and locals bringing in fresh products and food to sell made people watching all more fun. People-watching is an art form to me, overhearing the conversations of the people passing by or having dinner next to you while still seeing all the action of real life happening around you is a true Afrodisiac to me. An older gentleman was making fresh pasta on a wooden table in front, and he came over to ask what I ordered. He insisted I try several dishes, including the fresh pasta he was making and the seafood ravioli. I ate each bite slowly and carefully. Savoring every flavor and ingredient I could identify. To know me is to know that I love food, so I enjoyed that meal, getting my first glimpse of the streets of the streets and my first taste of Italian food. The food was exceptional the entire trip, but I enjoyed all the food in Rome the most. The way Italians order meals is different, and even the times they eat dinner are different. Very late and very lengthy dinners, which I love. I would go and order several different options, allowing myself to have a taste of everything Italy had to offer.
Second stop here we go, traveling to the countryside hills of Tuscany right outside the city center of Siena, One crucial part of planning this trip has also been around astrological events. There was a New Moon on November 1st ushering in my born month. I wanted to sit with this moon and emotions allowing myself to manifest a new era of my life. Grounded in rebirth, new beginnings, and change. I chose this space based again on the need to immerse myself in an artistic space allowing my mind to unleash. You see I had been in a state for the past couple of years where I had been in turmoil. In my mind and my heart. I’ve been starting at the beginning of my life to connect the dots of how I became who I am. Who you choose to be is also your destiny. How do I become who I’m truly destined to be if I don’t take chances in my life? I have felt heavily isolated in my life, losing myself, a continuous drowning in water. It’s like I kept getting pulled back down under the water only to gasp for air long enough to stay alive but not to truly breathe. I was able to breathe, cry, scream, or simply laugh. It felt good to rise from the ashes as a true phoenix always does.
In 2024, as I entered 35, I realized true healing doesn’t come from anyone else but ourselves. If there are challenges of growth we are facing, they are our challenges in which to overcome. It’s a dangerous game to put your growth in the hands of others. I stand by therapy and support from our family and friends, but you have to stay connected with yourself otherwise, you could act under the influence, and now your growth belongs to others and not yourself, and that’s not growth, it’s comfort or, much worse, a transition of attachment. The growth I was searching for in my explorations in this foreign country, and myself required me to break free of who I was. I spent most of the year in self-isolation intentionally this time. Isolation to specifically focus on my healing journey without distractions or influence. Mostly in my life, I have been secure in who I was, but as life can have many ebbs and flows, I was stuck. As a mom, they always talk about the birth of the child but never the rebirth of the mother. That’s such a huge part of the process, the mother being forever reborn with her heart outside her own body and the new life she has acquired. Why does it have to be postpartum depression instead of a breakthrough? I struggled as a new mom very much emotionally, as many of us do. Getting calls from other mothers and hearing them go through similar or the same struggles let me know we all go through this, and it’s okay. I kept fighting back for balance in my new life to understand myself as a mother while continuing to grow as an individual in my human experience. In my mental health journey, Evolution is key, and I am doing just that. I can thrive in motherhood as I am more secure and stable with myself. Being a mom is one of the greatest joys but truest challenges.
The countryside hills of Tuscany were a dream, very much a scene from an old Italian film. The winding old roads to the Villa were located deep in the hills and off the beaten path. The actual city center of Siena felt like walking around in Game of Thrones. The city was old but well-preserved. I had breakfast right in front of Piazzo del Campo which seems to be a city center area where the middle of the center goes down into a sort of bowl-like structure. The Siena Cathedral (Duomo) was stunning. This particular cathedral stood out amongst all the red tones of the town. The white colorings of the cathedral made it shine bright almost like something out of the Lord of the Rings movie. I spent the day walking the streets collecting trinkets and souvenirs and went to a local market to grab some goodies for the lemon treehouse where I was staying in the country. I also wanted to spend most of my time at the Villa, taking in the sunsets, fresh air, and sounds of nature. I made my way back and ventured around the countryside walking around the take in the Villa and estate. The Lemon Tree guest house I was staying at was on the grounds of a large winery-style villa. Upon checking in the airbnb host took me into the main Villa house to give me a small tour and history of the grounds. When I walked into to the main house I couldn’t even find words but I smiled hard. The picture below of the hallway with all the ornate imagery was the hallway leading to where she led me into the winery and I was able to buy wine they made there on the grounds. Anyone who knows me knows that I love a good period piece and I felt like a full-blown time traveler. Every footstep pushing me forward toward unlocking my future but taking a brief moment to step back in time. My time in Tuscany gave me everything I wanted to experience there, stargazing, breathtaking sunsets, and even better it was giving Medieval vampire!!!
Amid all the exploration I had going on, I also had a surprise visitor on this trip, my sister. What I love most about her coming was that she knew I wanted to be alone and respected my solo journey that I was on, but she still came to support me and enjoy spending some much-needed time with me. Briya and I travel well together, and now my little flower is in interior design school, she was able to come in and immerse herself in the world of historical art. I enjoyed every moment with her; we ate and laughed. My favorite moment was sitting on the Ponte Vecchio Bridge in Florence and watching the sunset with her. Many people were sharing hugs, kisses, and long embraces, just sitting there looking at this sunset. It was breathtaking and so sentimental to share that sunset with her. You can call her the time hopper and me the time traveler. She was in and out, but each moment spent together was a true and sacred experience. I hope she knows how much it meant to me for her to travel such a long way for such a short time. After dropping her at the metro and walking back to the Airbnb, I cried happy tears to have a sister who loves me enough to be there no matter what.
This gem of a city gave fashion and artistry in every way. Honestly, I felt like I arrived to study abroad in a student exchange program. I made sure to see the Uffizi Galleries, Museo Galileo, Duomo tour, including the climb for the tower, and Galleria dell’ Academia. I booked my tickets months in advance, but these museums were packed with tons of people, to say the least. Which I get, but I hate over-crowded museums. I remained positive, took a deep breath, and made my way through the crowds. I felt so many dreams come true in those galleries. Paintings and statues I’d dreamed of seeing were right in front of my eyes. In one instance, all the noise and people around me disappeared. I spent hours, and I mean hours, making sure that I didn’t miss anything. In the Galileo museum, the affinity for science, alchemy, and astronomy made this visit special. The big nerd inside me was excited! Once again, feeling like I was on a field trip from an episode of The Magic School Bus. I could only imagine what it was like back in time when all the artists, scholars, and other great philosophers came here to create and learn. Philosophy in different cultures has always intrigued me, and traveling to different places, I do want to learn about them and where they originated, kind of like that saying from the horse’s mouth. I packed these tours pretty much back to back so I could have free days to wander. After a long day of tours, I was filled with a dazy and bright air around me of all the joy that I had just experienced. The Duomo Santa Maria Del Fiore, I might add it, was right outside the door of my Airbnb. There are no words to describe seeing such a huge historical structure, maybe five footsteps away from my doorstep. Located nestled in the main city center around the Duomo, I could open the window, and there it was. I left that window open and took a good nap with the kiss of the Tuscan Sun on my face many times Now, when it was time to tour the Duomo, there were several different entrances and options, and if planned well you could see them all. The climb in the tower let me know it was time to get back in the gym, but omg it was epic. I think you climb over 800 flights of stairs in the legit Medieval tower that is so small and very closed in. Each time you exit an area where you can walk around, there is another corridor with more steps if you want to climb to the top. I huffed and puffed my tired ass up there. When I reached the top and did my Rocky dance, an old couple laughed at me it was funny.
My free days outside of tours I spent doing what I do best. I walked into as many libraries and bookstores as possible. Every time I take a trip, I purchase a book from a bookstore that calls to me. No particular genre or style, but I will spend hours until I feel this is the right one. Below, I have a few pictures of the bookstore where I found a book from the 1800s, and after much time, I decided this is the one. Words are like spells to me, so it’s important that I choose the right one. It’s bounded in a beautiful dark green covering with gold writing. As I travel, I collect trinkets and artifacts to remember my experiences and have treasures to revisit over time. Carrying on to the Piazza della Repubblica towards nighttime, I found a magically lit merry-go-round in the center. I sat there to watch all the lights dance together one spin after the other. It was dreamy seeing all the people in their own world but being drawn in by this one particular attraction. Someone played the violin nearby, and I sat to watch him play for a while. See people watching are the best moments sometimes. To catch an eye gaze and share a smile or to see families enjoying themselves while laughing together. I love to just sit back and watch real life happening right before my eyes. Florence owed me nothing, I had run around every single part of the city I could get to and made sure to leave no stone unturned. This place will always have a special place in my heart because as the artist that I am, I was able to take so much in but also let everything I had been holding in and let it out.
Overall, this was truly a trip of a lifetime and a profound moment of true healing. I didn’t want to give my growth or healing to anyone but myself, and this was much needed. Italy has always been on the map, and to almost be backpacking through this region of the world opened my eyes. Many times, we say I want to go here, I want to go there, and for me and where I was in my life, I had to be reborn and accept the new me with some of my old roots. I will always be a gypsy, bohemian and magical creature I just needed a resurgence of living and exploration. To Cullen, my family, friends, and my team at work, I will never forget the outstanding support I received. I want to thank you from the deepest part of my heart, where love and gratitude can be found, for your outpouring love and support. Every phone call, facetime, and text of encouragement to keep going as I search for myself in this world. Thank you to everyone who didn’t give up on me as I bloomed even in my darkest times. You knew me well enough that I would find the light, the light inside myself. Ciao.
