Rebirth

Statue of David

I had been planning this trip for over a year. Taking my time and being intentional with each piece of research. This quest was a huge undertaking because for the first time I would be traveling alone to a foreign country. I wanted to ensure that I would be safe but also be able to take part in experiences that would forever change my life. I could say that my friends and family were happy for me but concerned to say the least but, once I put my mind to something, it will come to fruition. Why Italy? Well quite simply, I’ve always wanted to go and this was the birthplace of the Renaissance and I was searching for something deeper inside myself. Everyone I know kept saying I can’t wait to see your outfits and this was not about how I looked on the outside. This trip was about how I felt on the inside. I have talked about traveling the world for years, I imagined it a million times over; and spent countless hours dreaming about it. This year I decided no more dreaming no matter what the circumstances of life are. Life is about what’s present but it’s also about what you create because you only live once. I dug deep, as deep as I could finding the courage to do this alone. Alone but with God of course. In the intricate web and threads of my life, I wanted to start making it all make sense.

Of course, everything is symbolic to me so going during late October and early November was on purpose. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays plus my birthday month is November. I wanted it to feel mystic and cosmic so I had to go during the start of Scorpio season. It felt good too. Perfect weather not too many people, and the colors were stunning. One of the biggest reasons for going alone is simple, I wanted to challenge myself. Curating every footstep forward on my own map. I thrive off conversations and interactions but at some point in our lives, the most important conversation you’ll ever have is with yourself. No guidance, persuasion, or influence from anyone but you.

The first stop on my trip was Rome. I had some big monuments scheduled to see such as The Colosseum, Pantheon, Trevi Fountain, and many more but it’s the days when I got lost that stand out the most to me. Some days I had tours booked back to back and other days, I truly lost myself in the city. With limited to no cell service, wooowwwww. Having limited communication with technology was a gift. Unplugging from the phone and being present with myself as I walked the streets in these ancient places. My camera and my journal were my mortal instruments. One of my favorite tours was the audible tour at the Pantheon. History is so fascinating to me, I love to learn, understand, and explore different cultures. Architecturally I’m always mind-blown at the constructional concepts around the buildings and monuments. There is an opening at the top of the Pantheon and I thought is it open? As I listened to the audible tour my question was answered with yes. The overall experience of that day took my breath away. I made my way to tours and ran into so many big places that were on my list to see. The streets were breathtaking, not because of all the cigarette smoke as I couldn’t breathe lol but because of the history I was walking through. With each twist and turn I saw something magical. I geeked out a few times when I couldn’t control my excitement and joy. Chiese di Sant’ Ignazio di Loyola had me in awe and I spent some time in there sitting and taking it all in. The colors on the ceiling are vivid, almost multi-dimensional. I found a place on a secluded pew and sat down to journal and pray. I am not Catholic but my ties to God are not through religion but connection and spirituality. I saw that you could light candles so I went and lit one for all those who I wanted to pray for and to be grateful for that moment in time.

My air bib was located in the neighborhood Travestere. I chose each air bnb very carefully and ensure not only that I was safe but in a space that would allow me to bloom. Travesterve was a very unique area in the sense that it felt very artsy, colorful and bohemian even. The host had art everywhere in her home with tons of photographs that she’s taken over the years. At night after a long journaling session, I would get my wine and sit by the window, with music loud enough for me to hear the melody but still hear the energy of the streets outside my window. I would comb through her books , stare at the collected antiques while letting my mind explore all questions I had set aside for this time. Questions like, who is Ashtin now, how can I be more courageous , how do I not let fear hold me back in life ? I will continue to stand on that it is the most disrespectful act against God to live a life un-lived. I have the spirit of an explorer and want to see as much of the world as possible. This was my first marvel at one of the 7 wonders of the world, now 6 more to go. Since this was the first area I stayed in of course its where I had my first taste of Italian pasta. Let me tell you something , it was good. Best damn pasta of my life. The first restaurant I went to, I was sitting in front of a marketplace where I had good view of everything. There was an older gentleman making fresh pasta on a wooden table in front and he comes over to ask what I ordered. He insisted I try several dishes including the fresh pasta he was making and the seafood ravioli. I ate each bite slowly and carefully. Savoring every flavor and ingredient I could identify. To know me is to know that I love food so I enjoyed that meal, getting my first glimpse of the streets of the streets and my first taste of Italian food. The food was exceptional the entire trip but I really enjoyed all thee food in Rome the most. They way they order meals is different and even the times they eat dinner are different. Very late and very lengthy dinners, which I love. I would go and order several different options , allowing myself to really have taste of everything Italy had to offer.

Second stop here we go, traveling to the countryside hills of Tuscany right outside city center of Siena, One crucial part of planning this trip has also been around astrological events. There was a New Moon on November 1st ushering in my born month . I wanted to sit with this moon and emotions allowing myself to manifest a new era of my life. Grounded in rebirth, new beginnings and change. I chose this space based again on the need to immerse myself in artist spaces allowing my mind to unleash . You see I had been in a state for the past couple years where I had been in turmoil. In my mind and in my heart. I’ve been starting at the beginning of my life to connect the dots of how I became who I am. Who you chose to be is also your destiny. How do I become who I’m truly destined to be if I don’t take chances in my life. I have felt heavily isolated in my life, losing myself , a continuous drowning in water . It’s like I kept getting pulled back down under the water only to gasp for air long enough to stay alive but not to truly breathe. For all Harry Potter fans one of my favorite scenes is when the dragon escapes from Gringotts after the trio needed to break out . The cinematic moment when the dragon fights to climb out of the dungeon , he looks up to see a small ember of light and the dragon continues to climb. He breaks free from the glass ceiling and breathes in that long much needed fresh air of freedom and liberation. The scene is beautiful as the dragon takes deeps breathes and then without hesitation takes off into flight. I’ve been ready to take that breath.

The light inside me went out on New Years day 2024, I didn’t start the new year off feeling celebratory or renewed , I felt drained , depleted and that light inside was gone. Thats why the purpose to plan this trip was to light the flame inside my soul again. In 2024 as I entered 35 I realized true healing doens’t come from anyone else but ourselves. If there are challenges of growth we are facing they are our challenges in which to overcome. It’s a dangerous game to put your growth in the hands of others. I standby therapy and support from our family and friends but you have to stay connected with yourself otherwise you could act under the influence and now your growth belongs to others and not yourself and that’s not growth, its comfort. The growth I was searching for in my explorations in this foreign country and myself required me to break free of who I was. As a mom they always talk about birth of the child but never the rebirth of the mother. That’s such a huge part of the process, the mother being forever reborn with her heart outside her body and the new life she has acquired. Why does it have to be post partumn depression instead of a breakthrough? I struggled as a new mom very much and I had to come to terms with my new life and it wasn’t easy. I kept fighting back though, for balance in my new life to understand me as a mother while still continuing to grow as an individual in my human experience. In my mental health journey I have come to realize that in order to be the best version of myself I have know who I am. Evolution is key and I am doing just that. I can thrive in motherhood as I am more secure and stable with myself.

The countryside hills of Tuscany were a dream, very much a scene from an old Italian film. The winding old roads to the Villa were located deep in the hills and off the beaten path. The actual city center of Siena felt like walking around in Game of Thrones . The city was old but well preserved. I had breakfast right in front of Piazzo del Campo which seems to be a city center area where the middle of the center goes down into a sort of bowl like structure. The Siena Cathedral (Duomo) was stunning . This particular cathedral stood out amongst all the red tones of the town. The white colorings of the cathedral made it shine bright almost like something out of the Lord of the Rings movie. I spent the day walking the streets collecting trinkets and souvenirs and went to a local market to grab some goodies for the lemon treehouse where I was staying the country. I also wanted to spend most of my time at the Villa, taking in the sunsets, fresh air and sounds of nature. I made my way back and ventured around the countryside walking around the take in the Villa and estate. The lemon tree guest house that I was staying at was on the grounds of a large winery style villa. Upon checking in the airbnb host took me into the main Villa house to give me small tour and history on the grounds. When I walked into to the main house I couldn’t event find words but I smiled hard. The picture below of the hallway with all the ornate imagery was the hallway leading to where she lead me into the winery and I was able to buy wine they made there on the grounds.Anyone who knows me knows that I love a good period piece and I felt like a full blown time traveler. Every footstep pushing me forward toward unlocking my future but taking a brief moment to step back in time. My time in Tuscany gave me everything I wanted to experience there, stargazing , breathtaking sunsets and even better it was giving Medieval vampire!!!